My Birthday Ritual Review

Dear Friends,

Thank you to everyone who sent my birthday wishes and amazing gifts. I had a great birthday. Brook, the kids, and I went to Maui for a long weekend. It was beautiful and relaxing. We saw many whales and lizards, three things my family can discuss pretty much ad nauseum. I felt free from worry and well-loved. Pretty much the best you can ask for on a birthday.

I had been intent on creating a birthday ritual and I think I sort of did. Before I tell you what I did, let me offer some observations.

1. Birthdays are ritualistic by their nature. They recur annually and people are accustomed to celebrating them with loved ones, food, and fire (candles).
2. Once-in-a-lifetime birthdays occur every five years, diminishing the “once in a lifetime” sheen until you are older than 80, at which point, every birthday feels like a gift (I suspect).
3. A ritual by its nature must be repeated. Not by individuals but across societies. We aim to marry once (at least that’s the prenuptial aspiration) but as a society, we aim for everyone to marry (if they choose to). I appreciate the cisgendered heteronormative approach that describes, but I think it’s (a) becoming more common, rather than less, for this as a social goal, and (b) it’s descriptive of society, if not ideal.
4. Birthday rituals are repeated; midlife transition rituals have not been adopted across our society so my particular ritual is more likely to reflect a change in my personal outlook than a change in how I am perceived by my community.

That’s a lot of observational throat-clearing. Here’s what I did, and it resembles more of a birthday ritual than a once-off life transition. I had a couple of birthday gatherings with different sets of friends that were filled with laughter and food. I answered a set of questions for myself that I’ll share in a moment. I spent the day of my birthday happily surrounded by my three favorite people, and in the afternoon, I went down to the ocean and dove in head first. This was Maui water, so it was lovely. I’m less likely to repeat this part next year if I have to leap into the northern Pacific Ocean.

Here are the questions that I answered for myself:

1. What are some personal successes you’ve had?
2. What have been your biggest challenges?
3. What are the challenges you expect to face in the future?
4. What are your fears?
5. What skills are you proud of?
6. What skills do you feel okay never being great at, but will still do?
7. What skills do you no longer feel the need to master?
8. What would you like to leave in the past?
9. What do you want to take into the future?
10. What milestones are you looking forward to?

The night of my birthday (or maybe early the next morning), I dreamed that I was at the beach and there were dozens of whales, breaching and playing, while hundreds of people crowded around to watch. On the shore, there were also bears, lions, and camels, and people were thrilled and terrified by all the activity. I waded into the crowd to look for my kids but I couldn’t find them. Instead, at one end of the beach, I found a small Swiss village, beyond which were huge mountains and a waterfall. I told a woman there, “I can’t believe this is Berkeley! I’ve never seen this before!” I resolved to return once I found my kids. At the other end of the beach, I found them playing in a massive Lego pit. I should clarify that the Legos were massive, not the pit. The kids weren’t that interested in returning to the Swiss village with me, but we all stopped to watch a dinosaur run by.

I appreciate that most people hate hearing other people’s dreams, but this one seemed so specific and accurate and related to my 50th that I had to share it. It symbolizes the exciting (and terrifying) adventures ahead for me as well as the anxiety I have about my kids growing up and finding their own sources of joy and wonder.

Looking back over the past month, my viewpoint on turning 50 - becoming a demi-centenarian - has changed because of this process. I am much more excited than I was before. The years ahead will be filled with adventure, love, and growth. I will face the future as an actual adult with many more tools at my disposal for managing my world. In that sense, the ritual of celebrating has had its desired effect.

I hope you have a great week!